jealousy is the worst kind of hate.
this would be your view if you’re on him. you’re welcome.
i have to admit, you were the best part of my life and it’s dull without you.
I saw him today. I didn’t know how to react. His friends saw me, I’m pretty sure he saw me too. I didn’t say anything to him nor did I look at his face. I simply know he was there. His presence was so overwhelming, I didn’t feel my legs. He wasn’t there for long though. I should’ve said something. God knows when I will be seeing him again. After that incident, I realized that I was quite and up until now, I still don’t know what to feel.
I feel like adding a new thing in my routine. I will write everyday, here. Well mostly of my feelings. I think I won’t bother anyone so much since this is tumblr and you could find 1000 feelings in one post.
Today my feeling is indescribable in one word. Unless the word is ‘shit’. I woke up not knowing how to feel. I am not sad, its definitely worse than that. I do not cry as much and this is abnormal for me. I guess I’m not breaking down because I’m currently hanging on to the past? He has always been away for me, but even so, we were still together. Now its like what it used to be but there’s no way for me to communicate with him. Thus, enabling me to be stuck in a space between expectation/past and reality.
I want to talk to him really badly. What am I supposed to say anyway? I just want to say “Hi” and ask him how he has been doing because I care and what he is up to and where is he right now but I think if I start the conversation will be like, “Hey, I just want to say that I think about you like every fucking second, I want you to tell me that you still love me, and you miss me too”. Yeah, that won’t be creepy. I don’t not want him to come back as much as I want him to come back, if that makes any sense. I don’t want him to take his heart to some place it won’t go. I guess if I truly care for him, I should leave him alone.
His last seen is: 11.05 this morning, and my last seen is: when I checked his last seen?
I just want to stop being confused of my own feelings and just be happy you know. I think I’ve been doing a good job in social media like twitter and facebook and other stuff. This post is the evidence of my need to blurt out my feelings. I want to be aware that despite all of these shitty feelings I’m feeling, there is someone out there feeling shittier than me, and I do not want to be self-centered and tell anyone my stupid fucking problems that I should be able to settle myself to anyone.
Maybe I just need time to move on. Really cannot wait to move to a new house and decorate my new room. I wanna start painting. And practise all the other things, hopefully those little things that I planned will take my mind off him, I couldn’t stand it any longer.